Battleground

I am tired of fighting for my birthright. My entire life I have balanced two opposing truths. My body is male. But since I was 5, I wasn’t allowed to think of myself as a boy. The assault destroyed that birthright. Believing my father was deeply ashamed and hated me, only compounded it. I have...

I am a man

This week I benched my body weight. No big deal, guys hit their goals all the time. But that sentence would have been forbidden to me as a child. Not the fact, even if I had, but the aspiration it embodies. My 5 year old brain figured out how to handle the shame from the...

To Now

The trauma we experienced leaves deep scars on our psyche. I was in my late 50’s when I faced my sever food aversions. I also faced the horrible reaction I had to my reflection. It was a lot of work in therapy, but paramount to my changing was the personal trainer I worked with. He...

Home

A video starts and you see yourself. What if your first, unedited thought was “handsome and muscular”? Bear with me. The assessment isn’t fueled with bloated pride, nor was it a notion born of hope. What was seen was not a Hollywood hunk or Mr. Olympia. It was simply an appreciative recognition. And I can...

Bodybuilding Joy

My bodybuilding coach observed that I am in a lot of abundance right now. He noted that I do share some of my joy. But he asked how I could do more, what would it look like and how would it affect me. I blundered for almost a week. I am slightly concerned with being...

Working through, out loud

This post is just to dump and work through things.  We moved up to 14 year old me in therapy. It wasn't a full EMDR treatment, just a talk. He asked if I was fond of him. I am not. On the spot the only reason I could give is he was stupid. Yesterday I...

Allowing Joy

As a survivor I have the honor of caring for my younger selves. This duty may be a burden at times. I believe it can also be an enriching pursuit. Attending to his needs is a key element to how I nurture myself here and now. I am starting to see my responsibility goes beyond...

Balance – Follow up

I shared Balance in a FaceBook group for Male Survivors. One man reacted with "WOW! Really? Who Cares?"...about muscle size. Responding really helped me consider the importance of bodybuilding to me. I have to say it matters to me. To allow myself to openly pursue muscular development is a huge victory. As an adult I...

Balance

Picking the right weight is a fucking land mind. If I go to heavy, I am embarrassed that I over reached into manly territory I had no right to. If I ago to light I am sad ass weakling, and will always be because of exactly that tendency.   This all was re-lite because of...

Strive

11/26/2020   I love giving myself over to the dramatic potential within every workout. Packed into a small fraction of my day is this condensed opera. Epic battles rage while I strive for a triumphant victory (or a well earned meal).   Last week I heightened the standard for this particular workout. It’s a simple...