Inspiration & Doubt

These photos mostly inspire me. But when I am low, they taunt me and I wonder: “Am I a fool?” “Should I give up?” “Didn't I start to late?” “I wouldn't have looked like them at their age, why bother now?” I know I would feel worse if I quit. So I plod on and something... Continue Reading →

Before

My biggest victories are invisible. My wins are much larger than the pounds pressed or reps gotten. Below the surface of my bodybuilding there are two key life events. The first is a sweet inspiring moment. The second is bitter. The latter's aftermath threw me into a prison of confusing contradictions. Long before the kidnapping,... Continue Reading →

Battleground

I am tired of fighting for my birthright. My entire life I have balanced two opposing truths. My body is male. But since I was 5, I wasn’t allowed to think of myself as a boy. The assault destroyed that birthright. Believing my father was deeply ashamed and hated me, only compounded it. I have... Continue Reading →

I am a man

This week I benched my body weight. No big deal, guys hit their goals all the time. But that sentence would have been forbidden to me as a child. Not the fact, even if I had, but the aspiration it embodies. My 5 year old brain figured out how to handle the shame from the... Continue Reading →

Home

A video starts and you see yourself. What if your first, unedited thought was “handsome and muscular”? Bear with me. The assessment isn’t fueled with bloated pride, nor was it a notion born of hope. What was seen was not a Hollywood hunk or Mr. Olympia. It was simply an appreciative recognition. And I can... Continue Reading →

Bodybuilding Joy

My bodybuilding coach observed that I am in a lot of abundance right now. He noted that I do share some of my joy. But he asked how I could do more, what would it look like and how would it affect me. I blundered for almost a week. I am slightly concerned with being... Continue Reading →

Allowing Joy

As a survivor I have the honor of caring for my younger selves. This duty may be a burden at times. I believe it can also be an enriching pursuit. Attending to his needs is a key element to how I nurture myself here and now. I am starting to see my responsibility goes beyond... Continue Reading →

Balance – Follow up

I shared Balance in a FaceBook group for Male Survivors. One man reacted with "WOW! Really? Who Cares?"...about muscle size. Responding really helped me consider the importance of bodybuilding to me. I have to say it matters to me. To allow myself to openly pursue muscular development is a huge victory. As an adult I... Continue Reading →

Balance

Picking the right weight is a fucking land mind. If I go to heavy, I am embarrassed that I over reached into manly territory I had no right to. If I ago to light I am sad ass weakling, and will always be because of exactly that tendency.   This all was re-lite because of... Continue Reading →

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