When I was a very small child I saw two young gymnast working out. Dressed in white, they gleamed in the sunlight. Their bodies were clean, pure and strong. I witnessed beauty for the first time and it stunned me.

At the age of 57 I have decided to build a physique that embraces that admiration. This has been a lifetime dream. In the age of instagram and selfies, that shouldn’t be a remarkable proclamation. But for me it defies a life of shame and self loathing. What does bodybuilding have to do with childhood sexual abuse? For me everything. The first assault exiled me from my body, my masculine body in particular.

In 2016 I made huge breakthroughs. I wrote about it in my first post, Belong. I have kept my story in fragmented, seemingly unrelated bits. It’s made it manageable. I ask for your patience as I attempt to examine my experience with sexual abuse. The more I write, the more I share, the more details I uncover. This blog is first and foremost for me to just be free, to break the silence, to reveal the secrets. I also hope it can inspire others to find a way out of whatever life has dealt them. Never give up on the you you’ve wanted to be.

-Brian Dennis

The picture is from the mid-late 80’s. One of the few I’ve always liked, maybe because it is out of focus.

9 thoughts on “Intro

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  1. My thoughts are with you, I’ve been there with my father. Any sexual assault is hard to move past. I offer my hand if you need to talk. Weather is always a good subject. We tend to beat ourself up already, no no need to talk with a person on internet about deeply personal subjects for others to read.
    I can say writing has help me get over some of the last steps. I’m glad the outlet occurred to me.
    Have you checked out Survivors Blog Here, there are several men in similar situations. I take it very seriously.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hi Melinda,
      Thank you for your ear. I may take you up on it. I’ve been busy with my visual work the last 2 months and haven’t had time or head space to write. It was the first thing I did when a slight crack in the appeared in my schedule. Writing is essential to my survival and growth.

      I follow Survivors Blog Here and have read some great posts.

      Thank you!


      Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m also new to sharing/journaling in what you call “fragmented pieces”….I love how you put that. My life/family/upbringing…everything has been quite unreal that I now see how people would think I’m just an elaborate story teller. I never put much thought into sharing (although, I’ve been told by the few who’ve known me my whole life that I should write a mini series lol). I’m also pretty new to understanding what real trauma is. Recently, my oldest of 4, suddenly passed away. There’s another story through him that is quite unrealistic as well that I’ve decided to try and tell. I’m not tech savvy at all, my page is disorganized, I tell bits and pieces of different things but, I’m hoping that I can eventually tell a story that maybe others could relate to, support as I ramble, possibly find some sense of light from…or maybe I’ll find my way…one day. I’m so lost and heartbroken, devastated in my way with what I feel has traumatized me that….I’m just struggling. I know everyone has their own personal tragedies and grievances to overcome and it’s not easy for any of us. What I’ve come to appreciate the most is the diversity of our complex struggles and still find ways to support each other without prejudice.
    Well, I look forward to reading more of your blogs/posts. I truly wish the best for you as you tell your story. I hope you realize you’ve already made a huge difference in breaking the silence as soon as you began this page. Don’t give up…you’re an inspiration. 💛

    Liked by 1 person

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