Random-Binary-Numbers-2400pxAs a child, my most guarded secret was my desire to be a boy. I wouldn’t dare let anyone know what I wanted. It was dangerous being that audacious. If my dreams were discovered, I’d be ridiculed, dragged into humiliation. I couldn’t bare being taken back there. Yet everyday, without my consent and with dread this most private yearning was revealed. My male body betrayed the secret.

To this day I have reservations talking about it. I haven’t done a great job at explaining myself. It’s easy to assign my feelings to a sense of inadequacy or inferiority. Those conditions imply a place on the spectrum. I was removed from the light.

It didn’t make any sense. The disconnect was baffling and maddening. I couldn’t think about it without my head splitting. I existed in a constant short circuit, never turning off. It was a nightmare without a scream. I only wanted to belong as a boy, with boys. The pain was overwhelming. Luckily the confusion became a numbing agent. Certain situations would focus in on it, so much of a child’s life is organized around gender. But I became skilled at quickly slipping back into the weird balance of the null.

Of course I couldn’t talk about it. It’s orbit was too close to the vast silence of the assault. In fact, that was it’s origins. The public humiliation stripped me of the right to claim boyhood. I was branded less than, I was shown to be other than a boy. Any assertion to the contrary always brings me back to that defeating moment.

Can I ever convert my damaged self perception to my reality? I believe I can. As an outsider, I’ve seen how gossamer belonging truly is. It’s fragile and skittish. But this quest isn’t about finding my place in a tribe of men. It’s about belonging in my body, this magnificent machine that has carried me all these years. My pursuit of an ideal physique isn’t as much to admonish as it is to celebrate it. I am finally forging my desires into my identity. In the process I am allowing myself to belong, unique and equal.


19 thoughts on “Null

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  1. Awesome post! You deserve the right to be happy and honor how you identify. Making peace somehow is all that matters. I hope you are in the process of doing so. You are a courageous being!🌹

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    1. If I could speak to my 23 year old self I would tell him so much.

      Lucasmportela, you can do so much more then you imagine. My fear of failing kept me from trying and it became a vicious cycle. The more you try, the better you become, the better you become the more you try…it’s a beautiful spiral out of all that garbage that holds you back.


  2. What abuser’s do to the innocent, will either strengthen us or break us! In most victims, it breaks us down & not just for a portion of our lives but, for the longevity! It has taken me, 43 years to truly acknowledge that I was a child and It wasn’t my fault! Some may say get over it but, those who say such things; never endured such a tragedy! After writing my book Prisoner of The Mind, I received instant relief. Relief, to finally be able to take control over my story and leave that chapter and focus on repairing my mind from the damage of my abusers! I will no longer allow them to control my thoughts! The triggers are still there but, I’ve learned to identify them and focus on my PURPOSE! If my story can give just one person hope, I have truly have taken claim of my purpose! Love yourself enough to know that GOD knows your pain and he will calm your situation! It may not happen, when you want it too but, he is truly working it out! Joining this site was your 1st step. Our VOICE helps other’s!

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