I am not suicidal, but I do experience suicidal thoughts. Luckily they are not urges. They are images, clips projected into my consciousness. They are a barometer of where I am at more than an indicator of where I am going.
After posting the last piece, I continued to work on it. I had never seen the two episodes as the one thing they are. Keeping them separated made them manageable. Together I saw a huge wall, a steel clad reservoir. The scale wasn’t a surprise, I’ve always felt it’s mass. I learned to be numb it it. Inside was a cesspool of pain and more guilt.
While continuing to write I tried to be compassionate towards my younger self. But I fell into the guilt, shame and pain. The process wasn’t cathartic, it became consuming, repetitive and negative.
I am more positive today. I can sense there is a way to be sympathetic to the boy I was. To see his full story is my battle. I need to do it slowly and protectively. I will find a way.
As I continue to work through this I see it and myself differently. I’ve written about it a few more times Age 14, Take 2 and 360° | Parallel. The revelations have been so profound I suspect I will continue to write about it.