It’s just food?

I was raped with cucumbers.

I’m pissed. I want to grab one definitely, bite it, eat it, savor it. I want power over it. I won’t be ruled by the past, by him!

Yeah, yeah, no matter how much I stomp around, I know I won’t.


A few days ago I met with my trainer to talk about nutrition. He had updated my program a  few months ago and I knew there were parts I refused to look at. The new section was a column of veggies. I was to pick one to add to my diet this week. We went down the possibilities. When we got to cucumber, squash, zucchini, I just shook my head no. He didn’t know, but I was reduced to a mute teenage boy.

This is an improvement over two years ago when we first tried to work on diet. He had sent me a list of suggested foods. I became so anxious at the thought of eating any of it, I didn’t sleep for two days. I physically couldn’t read the list. Finally I made myself sit down and blackened out the veggies, suddenly it was legible.

I have serious aversion to a lot of food. It’s easier to list what I will eat then go through the No’s. A year ago I added spinach, carrots and sun dried tomatoes to what I would eat. They were the first vegetables I have ever voluntarily eaten.

The rape happened to late to be the sole cause, but it hammered the door shut. The anxiety bled to all plant foods. Fairly typical of the 1960’s, there were no fresh fruits or vegetables in our house. Unknown to me, my father was an extremely picky eater and the menus were designed accordingly. I’m not sure if I somehow picked up on his preferences, or if it was the lack of exposure.

I feel repulsed at the thought of putting most foods in my mouth. I don’t care how many times I’ve seen other people eating them. This isn’t about dying from exposure. I can’t see them as food. I clench my mouth shut. The thought doesn’t make me nauseous, just revolted, with a shiver.


I selected Bell Peppers to add to my diet. Earlier in the week peppers were sprinkled on a sandwich I bought. I didn’t have a utensil to pick them off with, so I braved a bite. It was so good I ordered a second.

I bought a pepper and this morning planned on using it in my eggs. A Youtube video showed me how to clean and dice it. I didn’t like the feel of the whole pepper in my hand. It was smooth and lying to me. I sliced it. It was already different than what I enjoyed at Panera Bread (I looked it up, I want piquant peppers). I felt myself toppling into anxiety, but I stuck with the plan. I tossed some in the frying pan hoping to dry them out. I didn’t want the anxiety to get the better of my plan, so I just threw my other ingredients in. I dosed the entire pile with Frank’s Hot Sauce.

I didn’t bite as much as swallow. I tasted them, smelled them, but admittedly, I avoided them.

I felt defeated. I was unable to simply taste this new thing. I had to talk myself into just allowing it in my mouth. I am so angry, I can’t imagine what it would take to try a cucumber.

On the other hand I did a google search for cocktails.  No promises, but me being me, I just may order a Cucumber Cooler one summer evening. And I will be putting peppers in my eggs tomorrow and the day after that.

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