Trauma

When I was young I was traumatized*. The aftershock reverberated through my entire life. The trauma was so fundamentally profound, I came out a completely different boy. “Bri” didn’t die. But “Brian” was born that day. Brian the schemer, the planner, the keeper of secrets. 

If when looking at myself I lose sight of it, or forget it in the equations, I falter. In silence, it’s a razor sharp gyro spinning in my gut, viciously defending itself. If I keep coming back to it again and again, it’s to stay on top of it. If I pack it away, denie it, minimize it or belittle myself, I will go mad.

All the therapy in the world won’t cure my trauma. But I can work towards healing. I promise that I will try to repair what was broken. I will replace what was stolen. I will give the memory voice and wrap it in compassion. I will grow.


I have been struggling the past few weeks as I explore it deeper than I ever have. There is so much I have never said or could ever say enough. What I felt is protected in a vault. I know there is pain and shame. But there is a ton on anger. I don’t know if it is original rage or after anger. This isn’t the big bang, I don’t have to exactly chart when things showed up. The experience was a ball, time folded on itself, crushing me.


* I tell the story in Under 2:00 – It

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2 thoughts on “Trauma

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  1. Trauma is an entirely different universe compared to dealing with difficulty/heartbreak. Don’t let the world around you, or yourself, convince you that you have to rush through the process. It’s great that you’ve committed to sticking through it. I know that it can become tedious and painful. Keep going!

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    1. Matthew,

      Thank you for your support.

      It’s taken a lot to admit it traumatized me. Most of the work I have done is just cutting myself enough slack to acknowledge, without apology, explanation or affirmation that it was traumatic. I once used the fact that it did to punish myself. It was a vicious cycle, I hated myself for hurting. To snap out of that chain, to stand on my own and know how impactful it truly was, is a victory.

      But that is only part of the battle. I know I need to work on this, more then anything. On paper it looks so easy, “what did I feel during it?”. I held it away from me for so long, it’s really hard to answer. It’s encouraging that so many people support this, that helps me stay focused on it’s importance.

      Thank you
      Bri

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