The things that excite you are not random
They are connected to your purpose.
I have been looking at who I was before kindergarten, before the assault. That event affected how I made sense of the world. So much time has been spent on this side, that I tend to forget I ever was another way.
In elementary school I was experiencing fantasies rooted in a cruel hierarchy. These weren’t precursors to the storm, they were it. The villains were muscular men, the victims were boys like me. Violence and humiliation were punishments. Even with the extremely limited repertoire of a child, they were none the less sexual.
But there was a time when my admiration wasn’t tainted. I didn’t always collect images of monsters to populate my fantasy world. I wasn’t always a twisted little perv. Before the assault I looked up to athletic high school boys and young men as examples of what I wanted to be. I wanted to grow up to be strong, I wanted to build my muscles. My idols were clean, wholesome and good.
My ambition was so pure and innocent. The assault injected toxic confusion into me, the simplest of aspirations, what type of boy I wanted to be, became suspect and dirty. The shame keep me in my place. The tightening rules of my world forbid me to even think of myself as a boy.
20 years ago I audaciously entered a gym. I had to play it safe focusing on becoming “healthy”. I hid from my aspirations. Today after a lot of personal growth I can say the simplest thing, I want to get jacked. No apologies. No explanations. Follow them.
*I can’t find the source of the quote. If anyone knows please comment.