Under 2:00 – It


I am lucky, I always knew exactly when my life and I fundamentally changed. I don’t have to decipher an accumulation of odd situations and events. My net wasn’t built strand by strand. No, I know the one moment.

On a bright spring day, I and other kindergarteners waited for the bus to take us home. We went to Central School. It was small with 8 classrooms. Most of the kids were from town and walked. We lived up on the mountain about 2 miles away. We waited on the front yard. The other kids milled around. My twin sister was by the building talking with a friend. I was about 20 feet in front of her, under an apple tree. The ground was hard and bare from so many feet. I don’t know what I was doing, but a good guess would have been daydreaming.

Without notice someone was on my back. I think they jumped out of the tree. I was knocked to the ground instantly. They rubbed my face into the dirt. I knew his laugh. I clenched my jaw to keep the dirt out of my mouth. I managed to turn around. It was the kid from the mountain. He was smaller and younger. He had me pinned. I had no idea how to get out. He laughed as I tried to thrust him off. There were stones and roots jabbing into my back. He pulled down his fly. I thought he was going to pee. He scrunched up higher on my chest. I still couldn’t get out. He pulled out his dick. He pushed it against my lips. He wanted me to open my mouth. I clenched my jaw shut. All I could do was turn my head from side to side as he rubbed it. I couldn’t stop him. I saw my sister. I saw the other kids. Mrs Jeffers, a teacher and friend of my mothers came out the front door and down the steps. He got up and ran off. I stood up as quickly as possible.

In under 2 minutes I was soaked in shame. The humiliation was unbearable. My mouth was sealed. I was squeezing my brain as if that would crush time or bend everything back. I found a wall of noise in my head and I hid. I didn’t want to be looked at. So many people were right there. I couldn’t let anyone see me shaking. I have no idea how I ever moved. A part of me never did.

It takes adult words. I was in shock. It was more complicated than I could take. It was all deafening noise. It has taken decades to hear the sentences knotted up in it. A lot of them are circular, feeding each other. As I got older and learned things, concepts got attached or gave the feelings meaning, or just got clumped in.

This post continues in Under 2:00 Silence.


21 thoughts on “Under 2:00 – It

Add yours

    1. Buffy,
      Thank you, your comment is encouraging. I tried writing the whole thing at one time, what happened and then the effects. But my notes about afterwards are reams of ramblings! I’m going to start digging through them now.
      Thank you,

      Liked by 1 person

  1. Pingback: Null – Owning It

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