I am lucky, I always knew exactly when my life and I fundamentally changed. I don’t have to decipher an accumulation of odd situations and events. My net wasn’t built strand by strand. No, I know the one moment.
On a bright spring day, I and other kindergarteners waited for the bus to take us home. We went to Central School. It was small with 8 classrooms. Most of the kids were from town and walked. We lived up on the mountain about 2 miles away. We waited on the front yard. The other kids milled around. My twin sister was by the building talking with a friend. I was about 20 feet in front of her, under an apple tree. The ground was hard and bare from so many feet. I don’t know what I was doing, but a good guess would have been daydreaming.
Without notice someone was on my back. I think they jumped out of the tree. I was knocked to the ground instantly. They rubbed my face into the dirt. I knew his laugh. I clenched my jaw to keep the dirt out of my mouth. I managed to turn around. It was the kid from the mountain. He was smaller and younger. He had me pinned. I had no idea how to get out. He laughed as I tried to thrust him off. There were stones and roots jabbing into my back. He pulled down his fly. I thought he was going to pee. He scrunched up higher on my chest. I still couldn’t get out. He pulled out his dick. He pushed it against my lips. He wanted me to open my mouth. I clenched my jaw shut. All I could do was turn my head from side to side as he rubbed it. I couldn’t stop him. I saw my sister. I saw the other kids. Mrs Jeffers, a teacher and friend of my mothers came out the front door and down the steps. He got up and ran off. I stood up as quickly as possible.
In under 2 minutes I was soaked in shame. The humiliation was unbearable. My mouth was sealed. I was squeezing my brain as if that would crush time or bend everything back. I found a wall of noise in my head and I hid. I didn’t want to be looked at. So many people were right there. I couldn’t let anyone see me shaking. I have no idea how I ever moved. A part of me never did.
It takes adult words. I was in shock. It was more complicated than I could take. It was all deafening noise. It has taken decades to hear the sentences knotted up in it. A lot of them are circular, feeding each other. As I got older and learned things, concepts got attached or gave the feelings meaning, or just got clumped in.
This post continues in Under 2:00 Silence.