I’ve been writing, just nothing worth posting. I’ve been trying to write about my assault, continue what I started with Call It. This blog is first and foremost a place to purge. As I look at the assault I’m looking under the shame, or around it. I am seeing what I did behind, because of it.
I’ve been so good recently at finding a way to be kind to myself. But I struggle to allow that little kid on the playground his feelings. The worst part has always been how I hold myself in contempt for having feelings about it. I wasn’t attacked by a full grown man or even a teenager, he was smaller and younger than me. It was over in under 2 minutes. How serious could it be? How can it be that 5 decades later I am here crying?
My challenge isn’t to write a post. What I need to do is be with that boy, remember him and respect what he feels. I want to walk him out of the shame.
Owning It 
I can hear your struggle with the difficult journey you’ve already been on, and the challenging path ahead.
It’s amazing that you’re also making it a priority to be kind to yourself. Stay strong, especially in weakness.
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Gabe,
I’ve held myself to “standards” I would never expect of anyone else. It hasn’t been in pursuit if excellence, just a brutal way to inflict punishment.
I am really promising myself I will think of him, myself as I would anyone else. Kindness, common humanity, will walk me through this.
Thank you for understanding. I really appreciate that.
-Brian
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This event traumatized me, maybe it wouldn’t most other people. But what I need to do is deal with the trauma, not punish myself for being affected. I am fighting the impulse to hate me.
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