Cluster Thoughts 002

My whole life I have waited, hoped people would tell me what I went through was horrible. I couldn’t say that it was. I needed permission, confirmation that what I went through was bad enough to cause the damage it did.
No more
I am desperate to yell it, share it. What they did to me was horrendous. What they did carved my insides out, left me hollow and fucked. They stole vital parts of me. They didn’t care if I lived or died. In fact, they got off on making me believe I would die. Going through shit doesn’t strengthen you. I have every reason to be “jumpy”, “easily startled” because too many people took fucking pleasure in terrorizing me. That doesn’t toughen you up, it makes you leary, I know the world is a dangerous place.
It is not an exaggeration to say I could have died or been killed. So many horrible stories start off just like my episodes. I have always known that. I could have tripped in the theater, broke my neck while my hands were tied behind my back. When he startled me, I could have fallen backwards onto the stairs behind me. I could have had a damn heart attack from freight. I could have ODed on whatever Jeff gave me. I could have been the one he went to far on.

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